Liar of the Week: Papa John

I don’t even know where to begin with this guy.  First of all Mr. John H. Schnatter, I do not believe you are a grandfather.  Now I don’t know that you have to be a grandfather to be called “Papa” but this is not the 1920s or an orphanage.  To boot you don’t even look like a grandfather, you have a luscious head of dark black hair.  A “Papa” must, by definition, have white hair or none at all, look it up.Papa’s don’t drive camaros to deliver pizza you dummy they drive oldsmobiles or buicks, OLDSMOBILES OR BUICKS.  And for that matter what idiot would drive a camaro to deliver a friggin’ pizza??!?  If you’re a delivery driver you don’t want to be working to buy gas for your car you stupid!  Get a 4-cylinder like all the other guys, or at least a ford ranger.

And your slogan about “nobody does what Papa John’s does” really pisses me off.  EVERYONE does what Papa John’s does.  I have 3 pizza places within walking distance of my house and I still call for a delivery.  The point is, there are like at least a thousand pizza places in my city that all do exactly what Papa John’s does except they do it better, cheaper and they don’t drive a gas guzzler to deliver it to me.  Have some awareness of your carbon footprint.

Here’s another thing, I was like “Oh hey, garlic sauce to dip my pizza bones (crust) in.”  And then everytime I open that little, stupid-little cup, that isn’t even enough dipping sauce to sufficiently coat all the pizza bones, and everytime it tastes awful.  Change the sauce already, I don’t like it, it doesn’t taste good to me.  I don’t think a peppercini is an acceptable garnish! You should either put a neat prize in the box, or another slice of pizza for me to eat!  NO MORE FRIGGIN PEPPERCINI’s.

So listen John, you’re one Papa who shouldn’t Preach!  You’re ingredients aren’t better, unless they’re all fair trade and then I would accept that, and your pizza isn’t better than anything except a first grader’s pizza lunchable.  And I mean even lunchables give you something cool on the box to do while your eating.

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About trickyrichard

i've never "seen one up close"

Posted on August 3, 2011, in Rants and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I have to disagree with you about this guy not being a grandfather. Clearly he is italian, which means he probably has between 3 and 19 kids, nevermind the thousands of kids those kids had. If anything this guy probably put out more than half of the cast of jersey shore. the only real reason he shouldnt call himself papa is cause he isnt pulling in schwag like smurfette.

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